Who is Newt Gingrich? This is a question I find myself asking with each day the Republican candidacy race continues. The man is an enigma wrapped in a riddle enveloped by mystery, and flip flops between policies and being a good Catholic more than Oprah’s diet plan. That’s why we shouldn’t be too surprised by his recent announcement stating that he plans to establish a moon colony by 2020 should he be elected president. Clearly, Comrade Obama has sullied Earth-America far beyond repair at this point.
Maybe it’s the strong gravitational field surrounding his abnormally large cranium, or perhaps his cold, pupiless eyes, or that he kind of looks like a genetically advanced toad-man, but there’s something about Gingrich that just doesn’t sit right with my morning yogurt. His moon colony idea doesn’t alarm me because it seems as ridiculous as when President Reagan announced his Star Wars inspired space shield, but because I think he would actually try and go ahead with this plan.
Gingrich has accused fellow Republican candidate Mitt Romney of throwing around grandiose and empty ideas, as well as being a rich elitist who doesn’t understand anything about the real America. Gingrich actually has a point here, but what is truly ridiculous is how hypocritical Gingrich comes off in debasing his competitors. He has an impressive resume of scandal that most Batman villains would be jealous of. If you’ve ever heard Gingrich speak, you know it’s only a matter of time before he begins endorsing himself as America’s messiah and the only person capable of saving Western civilization. If that’s not grandiose or elitist, then I’m not female.
Gingrich is the epitome of grandiosity. Period. But I can understand why he doesn’t think so, and why he thinks that making an American moon colony is a reasonable enterprise—it’s because he is crazy. We’re talking double straightjacket crazy. Because I don’t think he’s thought through this whole moon colony idea.
First of all, the moon doesn’t have an atmosphere, which would mean having to constantly pressurize it in a vacuum in order to sustain people living there. The highest cost of any space program is moving things out of earth’s gravity well, and I can assure a moon colony would require a lot of earth transfers. The next highest cost is keeping people alive in space, which obviously would be difficult in terms of cost, materials and overall anxiety. You also can’t grow anything on the moon. There’s nothing on the moon. Except the dust. It just gets into everything. And I mean everything.
I think that any country willing and capable of establishing a moon base could do so, not just America. But it all boils down to one resounding question: what’s the point? It might reignite the space race and push technology, but it would also be a ridiculous amount of money spent on something highly unsustainable and ostentatious. Gingrich seems to be trying to force feed the fading idea of American greatness down the world’s throat rather than embarking on a noble revolution. I say that if Gingrich truly wants an American moon colony, then let him have it, because so long as he finances it out of deep and ethically dark pockets, then the world will be a better place without him.