When one reads up on the Republican candidacy race, it would be easy to envision them questioning the time period we indeed live in. Is this happening in real time or before the separation of church and state? A lot of the positions held on the issues resemble an aggressive return to fundamentalist Christian beliefs, and the flood of laudable quotes coming from the candidates could drown all the writers from the Daily Show and Colbert Report combined. All of this culminates into a cluster cuss of a race, and if you don’t follow politics on a regular basis, this makes a particularly difficult one to understand.
I could write a book about each of the candidates based just on the race so far. I mean, pretty much everything that comes out of Rick Santorum’s mouth is just ripe for comedy. The same goes for Mitt Romney. Well, and Newt Gingrich. And even Ron Paul sometimes, when he does get to add his two cents to the debate, but to be honest, no one really cares at this point. It’s all just a little overwhelming. So I’m presenting a layman’s terms guide for any person to grasp just where these middle-aged to decrepit white men stand. I will be up front and honest right now and say that my bias is going to show through, and you might get offended at times, but the level of crazy I present these men at is almost certainly 100% accurate. So let’s get to know Newt, Mitt, Rick and Ron without further adieu.
This is one the heaviest issues weighing on Americans’ shoulders and as such the candidates have been aggressive in defending their positions on the country’s financial state. Gingrich has said he would take the country back to the individual tax cuts seen during the Bush administration, because they really left the economy in a stable condition on the up and up. Also, I’m pretty sure he has a job stimulus package that will open up a new market in the illustrious field of dinosaur cloning. He loves dinosaurs.
We all hate taxes, but Republicans especially hate taxes—it was a pretty important catalyst for American independence from the British. That’s why Romney, Santorum and Paul would all lower taxes for various sectors. But what about the people really taking on the brunt of the crisis? “I’m not concerned about the very poor,” Romney has stated, “there’s a safety net there.” Oh good, I know they were really worried about that one.
Throughout the debt crisis Republicans have stood by the belief that taxes do not need to be raised, they just need to cut spending. Problem is, most of the areas that national spending are concentrated are those in which few cuts could be made. Take National Security, for example, of which we’ll move on to next.
Iran is a hotter topic than Snookie’s pregnancy in the arena of foreign affairs these days. It’s all they’re talking about. If they aren’t talking about Iran directly, they’re talking about how Obama is being such a pansy about the issue. Santorum believes that America should be working with Israel to eliminate any nuclear capacity Ahmandinejad might be fostering. He also had this to say: “There are no Palestinians. All the people who live in the West Bank are Israelis. There are no Palestinians.” And people want him to lead the country.
It should come as no surprise that Gingrich, with his dinosaur lust, also shares other 8 year-old boy interests, and space is one of them. He believes a moon base strictly for Americans is absolutely essential to preserve the integrity of the country, and I’m sure his tax cuts will provide enough financial clout to do so. As for Iran, he strongly believes in the need for “maximum covert operations” to eliminate their nuclear program, because everything is more fun in secret.
Now, I should have mentioned this earlier, but there are a few things you should know about Romney. First, he’s rich. Really rich. He personally funded a majority of both his runs at the candidacy, and that’s millions of dollars. And yet, like many other Republicans, he continues to say that Obama is an elitist which places him out of touch with the American people. Yet, Romney is so stinking rich, he probably uses dollar bills to wipe his ass, and that can only bring him closer to his voters. Also, Romney doesn’t really have any solid positions on, well, anything. He flip flops on policies constantly, at times refuting what he said only minutes before with a completely different statement. I guess it’s part of his strategy to appeal to voters, because that way he’s covering both sides of the argument. So for now, he’s saying that America should only use force in Iran if absolutely necessary. For now.
Immigration is another important issue among the candidates, and the easiest way to sum it up is this: secure the US-Mexican border and keep illegal immigrants out. But in all fairness, if one of them were elected President, I probably wouldn’t want to enter the country legally either.
Oh, I’m sorry Ron Paul, did you say something? No? Okay, moving on.
This is a big issue. Republicans love talking about health care, or more specifically, they love hating on Obamacare. Which makes this category pretty easy to sum in terms of their positions, because all four candidates have stated the same thing when it comes to health care: destroy Obama’s health care overhaul. Each of the men have a little something extra to add in an effort to separate themselves from the crowd, but really, they all want the same thing. How could they hate something so much that VP Joe Biden called a “big fucking deal” on national television? It’s partly to do with government involvement. Anytime the government has more control or actively engages in something, Republicans red flag it, and this is no different. But the most annoying part about all this ado over Obamacare is the fact that Romney is the brainchild behind it, and Romneycare is almost identical to it. Remember that thing I said about flip-flopping? Yeah…
This is the area which most clearly illustrates how backwards some of these men’s policies are. Banning same-sex marriage? Alright, we’ve been hearing that one for a while, but establishing a constitutional amendment that would bar it? Thanks, Santorum. That takes the issue to a whole other level, down to the very fundamentals the country is based on. All of them support states banning abortion, which isn’t surprising and has always been a very controversial issue. But the whole fuss over contraception is just flabbergasting. This stems from the deep-seeded hatred over Obamacare, as many institutions believe it goes against religious beliefs for companies to include birth control in their insurance coverage. I’m sorry Republican candidates, but do you really think America can afford the air time for that many new episodes of Teen Mom? Realistically, people are going to have sex, the abysmal knowledge that American youth has about sexual reproduction can’t take anymore hits. These issues all seem to be fear driven—fear of change, fear of progress, fear of accepting the dynamism of society. And perhaps worst of all, the fear that we won’t have enough small, dexterous hands to help out with the moon colony.
So where have these positions taken the candidates so far? It would appear that with Romney’s recent win over Illinois, he has primed himself for the win, but Santorum has been hot on his heels for most of the race. After Super Tuesday, Santorum still managed to win three out of ten states, coming up right behind Romney’s four. There’s been no clear cut winner as of yet, and the lack of stability strikes fear in my heart with each passing day. More importantly, what does this mean for Obama? To be honest, I do not think that the President is running against someone but rather something: the economy. Should improvement occur, then Obama seems poised to secure a second term. Should the economy take another downturn however, we might see Americans listless for the change he promised. Yet as alarming as some of these policy positions might seem to some of us, keep in mind that those supporting them only reflect certain demographics, and many of their stances alienate the candidates from many of the voters. With all of the issues being so charged both politically and socially, we can be sure to see a great deal more occur within the ebb and flow of the candidate leader, and that Obama’s biggest challenge will be sorting through the goldmine of quotes from these men that he can throw in their face later on.