Candidates for the 2012 Republican election. Photo courtesy of clickrally.com
It would finally appear that the Republican candidacy has a clear-cut representative after Rick Santorum’s backing out, Newt Gingrich’s alienating insanity, and Ron Paul’s total lack of a personality have left Mitt Romney standing victorious. And what will we, the public, remember most about the long and bloody battle that was the Republican race? The ridiculous things said along the way.
Remember in 2008 when Sarah Palin couldn’t name all the members of NAFTA? Exactly. That’s the kind of fodder we retain from these races, and this one has been an exceptional illustration of such. This is but a mere sampling of quotes to whet your political satire palette, but one that adequately illustrates the tangy flavour of this candidacy race. So please enjoy Schema’s Top Ten memorable quotes from the 2012 Republican Candidacy Race.
10. “There are no Palestinians. All the people who live in the West Bank are Israelis. There are no Palestinians.”
Rick Santorum. Photo courtesy of politico.com
Coming out of the gate ballsy and brazen, like a spirited show horse, Santorum proved early in the game that he wasn’t going to take a back seat in this campaign, showing he was more than capable of keeping up with his competitor’s oral girth.
9. “If we took away the minimum wage—if conceivably it was gone—we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.”
Michelle Bachmann. Photo courtesy of dyn.politico.com
It’s easy to forget that other people were involved in the candidacy race before it was narrowed down to Romney, Santorum, Gingrich and Paul, and it’s refreshing to look back at what earlier competitors had to say, because it sure does make you happy that someone like Bachmann won’t be President anytime soon.
8. “By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be American.”
Newt Gingrich. Photo courtesy of politico.com
If people know anything about Gingrich, then this quote should come as no shock since the man shares many interests with ten-year old boys. His love of dinosaurs, space, espionage, and sandboxes provide ample evidence of how Gingrich possesses the mental capacity to play with Batman but not with the well-being of the American people. This just screams “classic Gingrich.”
7. “We should double Guantanamo!”
I can never take Romney seriously because I don’t think he has any concrete policy positions. For a man with such a thick head of hair, he seems to lack the self-confidence needed to take a stand on issues. But I like his gusto for the bizarre and inane, and I’m sure Republicans, no matter how soft they think Romney is, can stand by this quote.
6. “I do not want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money. I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money.”
There could be a top ten list just devoted to Santorum—even a top fifty—but this quote is just asking to be taken out of context. I mean, it still isn’t politically correct with the second sentence in there. But I guess that’s what happens when you can’t pay for speechwriters, and to be honest, it’s pretty impressive that he lasted as long as he did without them.
5. “I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.”
I think we already knew this, but you have to respect a man who’s honest and upfront about his beliefs.
Okay, this one isn’t a quote, but it did take place during a senate meeting and is too incredible to not include in this top ten. Since it would appear that we’ve dodged ever seeing Gingrich become President of the United States, we will most likely never know “Newt Action” nor the outfit made of brightly patterned spandex Newt undoubtedly designed in other doodles to complete his transformation into a superhero ruler. Another sketch was titled “Possible names for myself,” in which Newt dubbed himself “civilizer of the free world” among other grand and appropriate titles. Again, it’s such a wonderful feeling to reflect on these pictures and think, “this man will not be running a country.”
3. “At least I went when they called me.”
Ron Paul. Photo courtesy of runronpaul.com
Remember that time Ron Paul said something? Most of us don’t, but this was a particularly wonderful example of what can happen when the feeble looking Paul opens his mighty maw. This was his response to Gingrich’s deferment to serve in the military, utterly cowing Newt and calling him a “chickenhawk.” It’s so easy to forget that Paul is even present at the debates, but the man yields a robust stick with a smack of nasty to it.
2. “I will tell you, it’s three agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone: Commerce, Education and the—what’s the third one there? Let’s see… Okay. Commerce, Education and the—the third agency of government I would—I would do away with Education, the Commerce and—let’s see—I can’t. The third one, I can’t. Sorry. Oops.”
Rick Perry. Photo courtesy of tnr.com
That was so painful to write, even more painful to read, and devastatingly awkward to listen to when Perry stumbled over those government agencies during a GOP debate. This was a legendary fumble from the Candidacy race, and Perry proved on more than several occasions that he is not fit for the position of running back. In fact, he should just stay off the playing field altogether.
1. “I should tell my story. I’m also unemployed.”
“My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs.”
Mitt Romney. Photo courtesy of inquisitr.com
These quotes had to be coupled to illustrate the sheer audacity on Romney’s behalf. Not only are they examples of how he has absolutely no real opinion or stance on any of the major issues, they also show that this man is a complete moron. His countless attempts to connect to the “average” American (you know, the other 99%) are laughable, from constantly (with the feigned guise of being casual) having his hands in his pockets during debates, to trying to empathize with jobless Americans. It’s just really hard to believe someone saying this when their net worth is an estimated $200 million.
Although the race between the Republicans is coming to an end, the upcoming one between Obama and Romney is certain to bring countless more Top Tens, and hopefully some more doodles as well.
“You can always follow me on Tweeter.”
“George W. Bush did an incredible job in the presidency, defending us from freedom.”
—Both Rick Perry, both just wrong.
Codi Hauka is a fifth year International Relations student with a minor in History at the University of British Columbia, and a connoisseur of pies. She aspires to become a journalist, or, failing that, the heir to the Colbert Report. You can follow Codi’s work at The Magpie, a fake news blog she coordinates with an esteemed colleague and friend. The website is in the midst of a facelift, so please forgive its current 1990s level of visual appeal.