By now you’ve probably read the hilarious Craigslist marriage proposal, in which a guy offers to give you two hundred camels if you marry him.
Even though he has astute observations of Vancouver women’s financial needs, he doesn’t seem to be too in-tune with what they want specifically. For example, we don’t want date trees, but magical trees that grow money. Obviously.
Before I even begin to consider accepting his proposal request, I would like to ask him five very important questions:
1) What breed are the camels? I would like to specify that they be Bactrian camels, which are well suited for cold climates with rugged terrain. They can walk over slippery surfaces that dromedary camels can’t handle. This will be important when I tackle the Grouse Grind on camel-back.
2) Coach bags are too often seen on young 19-year-olds who work in retail at minimum wage and can’t actually afford them. I do not wish to be confused with these teenagers. I demand vegan-leather bags that look like leather, feel like leather, aren’t actually leather, but are just as expensive. If these bags must be leather, please ensure the cows lived a happy free-range life in the fields of the Okanagan before they were slaughtered for my luggage needs. Is this possible?
3) For every son I give birth to, could you please not name a Western African town after me, but instead a polar bear? And instead of an entire floor in the VAG, could you build a polar bear pen in the Vancouver Aquarium instead?
4) I do not want to drive a Ford Focus. No logically sound woman wants to drive a Ford Focus. What else can you offer?
5) You promised a digital SLR camera on our fifth anniversary, but could you please send this to me as soon as possible? Like many other Vancouverites, I would like to take as many photos as possible of our city while it’s still reasonably nice out (for another, what, like 3 days?), post these photos onto Facebook, and brag about how Vancouver is like, the best city in the world. Also, for 10 rainy, grey months of the year, I will have to look at these sunny sunset/sunrise photos and remind myself of why I chose to live here.
What else am I missing, ladies?